You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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