the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
