I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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