We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
