I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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