It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
