all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
