And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
