And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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