She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
