It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
