Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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