Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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