Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
