I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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