Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
