I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
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