watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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