She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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