Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
