life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
