Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
