Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
