I wish I only lived at night.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
