checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
