we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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