THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
