OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
