I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
