does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dick very happy bro
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
