I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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