best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
