i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize