When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
