I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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