Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So gin and wine won't be happening again
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize