he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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