i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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