I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
