That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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