Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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