the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
