I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Enjoy the penises
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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