i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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