I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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