I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
