first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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