Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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