Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
