Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Still dying that you shit outside
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
