What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You took a bar mat shot.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Let's get the cat blown out
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
