Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
