Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Im part way to drunk.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
