Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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