True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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