whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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