Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
