I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
