i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You need Xanax blowdarts
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
