I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize