I think my fart just growled at me.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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