I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
