Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
