I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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