i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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