Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
