I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
