this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
