I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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