my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize